


i feel like i've gone too far

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Real Person Fiction, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25371142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: Wow, she is drunk. Like real drunk.Or, Taeyeon isn't usually the type that just shows up. That's part of the problem.
Relationships: Jung Sooyeon | Jessica/Kim Taeyeon
Comments: 3
Kudos: 75





	i feel like i've gone too far

-

there's a problem:

“ _fuck_ ,” taeyeon hisses, right at the door. literally _right_ at the door. because why not figure it out right after she decided to do something incredibly stupid.

how she got here isn’t really important. although there was yeri and then yuri and really good food. there was never any indication that she would get here, or even know what getting her entailed. and really, there is no going back either. seems reasonable enough to blame all of that anyway. 

she still panics. realizes that a door isn’t just a door. that she had to know the building to get to the elevator. she also had to know the apartment number as if it wasn’t saved on her phone, deep between her songwriting notes. does it matter though? maybe she should try and remember if she actually rang the doorbell instead. she shifts from foot to foot as she listens to the door unlock and wow, she is drunk. like real drunk. that was really fast. these are the only sound thoughts that are running through her head as the door swings open and there is jessica, jessica right in front of her.

taeyeon opens her mouth. then claps her hand over it.

jessica narrows her eyes. squints. “are you _drunk_?”

“yep.” taeyeon hiccups. her hand shoots out and drops into the doorframe. she's a little wobbly. “saw this on youtube,” she says too. like that would give jessica all the answers to her being here, right in front of her. kind of like how her head keeps spinning. not bad for seeing each other for the first time in six years.

“you’re really drunk.”

“thanks! but i said that.”

“you’re usually a mopey drunk,” jessica mutters. sighs. then seems to talk herself into stepping forward, grabbing taeyeon by the arm. “this is a lot,” she says. out loud too. enough to make taeyeon frown and jessica to notice taeyeon’s frown. “it’s not like you called,” she says too. her voice is dry. “been awhile, you know.”

taeyeon nods. “that’s what the internet says.”

“i can’t stand you.”

“i know.”

it feels like a five-second paradox. her brain can barely handle the fact that she has gone from jessica’s door to jessica’s hallway to being pulled by jessica into her kitchen. she's dropped unceremoniously into a chair.

“drink,” jessica orders. shoves water into her hand and waits. “and then you’re going to drink the second glass that i'm going to pour for you.”

“fuck you,” taeyeon says. “you’re bossy.”

jessica barks a laugh. “whatever, taeyeon. just drink the water.”

there isn’t a change in her expression. jessica is carefully guarded. taeyeon wants to call her weird. pent up rage from the number of years that they haven’t really spoken to each other; everyone else has decided to. she wants to also say things like: “i saw this on youtube!” or “your place is exactly what i thought it was going to be like, _ugh_.” because they’re deliberate things to say. the kind that she knows will get underneath jessica’s skin.

instead, it’s jessica getting under her skin. she blames kwon yuri, she thinks. tilts her head up to look at jessica, the jessica. thinks to herself almost sourly _she’s beautiful_ because that steers her away from stupid things like _i've missed her_. she can’t afford those things here. 

she does. drink the water.

when her head starts to pound, she gets a text from yuri.

_fighting!_

_traitor_ , she texts back but it autocorrects to hater and she doesn’t fix it. what’s the point. this was a plan that apartment threw her right into the middle of all these things and now, she’s stuck.

“do you have any toast,” she moans from her arms, her head buried between them. she squeezes her eyes shut. she thinks things in sequence: dinner, _drunk_ , dare you to go to jessica’s! yuri definitely has an m.o.

jessica snorts from the seat next to her. “i ordered chinese. it's the only thing open nearby. you'll live.”

“don’t think so.”

“i'm not being framed for your murder by the internet. i think the hate that i get stands to be enough for me to handle right now.”

taeyeon can’t say anything back. she takes the pause though. tries to ignore how dry her throat feels until it becomes a burning sensation and she has to drink the new glass of water that jessica sits right in front of her.

sorry, she wants to say. but then what do you say to someone that you stopped talking to half a decade ago.

that part is true. she’s that petty. particular, she calls herself when she tries to be kind. but she and jessica ended after they said things to each other that she still has trouble acknowledging that they said to each other. it's even harder knowing that the other girls have moved on in their own particular ways, but for taeyeon, jessica is locked in place that is too terrifying for her to touch.

“i'm drinking my water,” she mumbles. looks up. studies jessica, only to look away again. “thanks for taking care of me.”

jessica leans forward, resting her chin on her palm. “i did think about not answering the door,” she says. “but that would have given you another reason to think of me as a terrible person so i thought it would be pettier to answer.”

what she says is loaded. taeyeon isn’t completely sober, but she feels every single point. she could say things like, “i thought you’ve moved on.” pointing out that she’s read every single glossy interview. it just would be right. she couldn’t stomach that. not like this.

so she’s selfish and takes a real look at jessica. her brain switches from anger to reality. she looks tired, she thinks first. remember that it’s got to be somewhere near three am and she is _that_ asshole and she is lucky that she got here without getting caught by some kind of camera.

and then there’s the fact that she’s forgotten how beautiful jessica is. she knows she is. but seeing it, close and up front, unnerves her in away that throws her off. she does things like count the freckles around her nose. looks at the long line of her throat. the strap of her tank top starts to fall and just a little more and she can see the slope between her breasts.

shit, she thinks. “are we going to talk about it then?”

jessica’s expression never waivers. “no,” she says.

the chinese food takes an hour.

jessica moves her from the table to the couch. taeyeon thinks about asking about soojung but doesn’t. she almost throws up.

“there’s an extra toothbrush in the bathroom,” jessica tells her. 

and then suddenly, there is a pair of shorts and a t-shirt shoved into her hands too. taeyeon takes the opportunity to escape. drifts down the hallway. shuts the bathroom door and hides. 

the truth? as much as this moment has played out in her head, this isn’t it. it’s not linear. there's no point a or b; there’s no closure or “i've literally done _all_ that i can!” because that is the perfect excuse to walk away too. jessica terrifies her. still terrifies her. that is the hardest pill to swallow.

she manages to get herself together for the minute. on goes the t-shirt and shorts. off goes the rest of her clothes, which smell like smoke and regret. her ears are ringing too. she mildly panics again. maybe they’ll talk. maybe this is that moment. the one where she could walk away and be okay and that would be that. 

“no,” she says, out loud. stares herself in the mirror. hates her eye makeup and pushes herself back.

this isn’t that moment.

it does take a thousand more questions to get her back into the living room. she's sobering up and thinks things like how clean the lines in the room are. how obvious it’s jessica’s with all the greenery and flowers. how there are pictures everywhere and how jealous she suddenly is when she thinks that it’s nice that her place actually looks lived in.

jessica is on the couch. sits cross-legged with her laptop on. she wears glasses perched on her nose, serious at the screen. taeyeon watches her. doesn’t know how long. listens to the clicks of the keyboard. wonders if she is taking care of herself and taking breaks. wonders what she would do if she moved forward and took those glasses off to kiss her, all the same.

it's been awhile for those thoughts too.

“you okay?”

taeyeon blinks. “huh?”

“are you okay?” jessica repeats. shuts her laptop and puts it on the coffee table in front of her. “you were in the bathroom a long time,” she says, patting the cushion next to her.

“i guess.” taeyeon isn’t sure if she’s mocking her or not. “outside of feeling like an asshole, you know.”

“i don’t remember you cursing this much.”

“happens. signs getting older,” taeyeon says, shrugging.

jessica laughs and taeyeon sits next to her. fuck it, she thinks. she stumbles a little too and jessica grabs her, then drags her to lie her head down in her lap.

taeyeon swears her heart launches itself into her throat.

“what are you doing,” she half-asks, quietly even. her eyes squeeze shut and jessica’s fingers are at her temple, pressing into her skin. she starts to roll them into small circles and taeyeon feels her head start to numb. “not that i'm complaining,” she murmurs too.

jessica is dry. “you are.”

“sorry.”

they're quiet together. taeyeon’s eyes stop squeezing together. the pressure in her head slowly lulls and she starts to focus on things like how good jessica’s fingers are. how they move from her temples, to her hair, against her scalp, and back down, right at her temples again. sometimes they sweep over the bridge of her nose. along her jaw. they hover over her mouth and taeyeon feels how warm her breathing is as she exhales against jessica’s fingertips.

this isn’t how she pictured this, she thinks. seeing each other again. a hot take: she used to think they might have slept together first. given that their anger usually leads to heavy aggression. or maybe that’s just tiffany, projecting her quarantine feelings over her. beyond that, she thinks that would be the moment, the one where taeyeon would finally moved past all the unresolved feelings and the stupid, drunken make outs that she might have had with her.

then jessica starts first.

“i don’t want to talk about it.” her voice is even and low. taeyeon doesn’t open her eyes and jessica’s fingers keep moving. “i don’t think there’s any point to it, you know? maybe had we talked that first year, i might have felt a little different. but i think i've also let go of a lot of it. i think holding onto whatever reasons in my head make sense for me to be mad at you for just… i think it made all of this harder and lonelier and just heavier for myself.”

“i didn’t drink to come here to talk about stuff.” taeyeon feels a little more candid. “despite whatever you may think, i do think those conversations should be honest.”

“you’re way too honest when you’re drunk.”

“i hate you,” taeyeon says. doesn’t mean. but her face flushes and jessica laughs warmly. “this feels a little anti-climatic anyway,” she mumbles.

jessica shrugs. “i don’t know what to tell you.”

“i didn’t mean it in a bad way. i just – i think i've imagined this scenario so many times. over and over again. how i'd talk to you. me to you, you know. not through the other girls or another way. i think you’re my biggest regret, you know. knowing that i could have said more. or done better. or even gone after you after i was done being a total asshole, just say _something_ to you. i think the hard part with all of that, even saying these words out loud, is knowing that that’s how you love someone. when every fiber of your being shuts –”

whoops, that is a confession. not right one, but a confession. it's sloppy and taeyeon can’t stop herself because it seems like she has held onto it way too long.

“i've always wanted you to be happy,” she keeps saying. remembers that it’s way too old of a line. for the good of the group! “you weren’t happy those last years and it made me unhappy.”

at some point she stops. stops because she realizes she’s rambling and borderline, on the cusp of not making any sense. there's nothing platonic about this conversation either; she looks at jessica and knows that she’s fallen into a corner when she wasn’t ready to be.

we never ended, she could say. but doesn’t. 

“sorry,” she says weakly. regrets it immediately; the feelings crawl up and out, launching themselves into the open. waits for jessica to call herself. because she is. “obviously,” she says, looking away. “i'm still working through things.”

jessica's expression changes into something completely unreadable. it unsettles her. taeyeon feels jessica’s fingers pull away from her face. misses them with more regrets. readies herself for another apology.

but the door rings. food's here, no one says. jessica stands carefully and fixes an amused smile on her mouth.

“careful,” she warns. “the internet is probably watching.”

“fuck the internet,” taeyeon tells her. there’s nothing charged; her voice sounds a little weak. she swallows and remembers that her phone might still be in the bathroom, somewhere on the sink.

the real problem? jessica gives her an out. 

so taeyeon looks away.

they say old habits die hard.

things taeyeon regrets?

this, _duh_. she wakes up in jessica’s bed with no jessica, two missed calls from tiffany blaring against her phone screen and no memory of how the conversation ended, as if that mattered at all.

it still takes her a moment to get up. to refold the sorts and t-shirt she borrowed. to changed back into her smoke-scented clothes from the night before. she even tries to steel herself before walking out to find jessica who, if anything, barrels in with a coffee and shoves it into her hand. probably to send her well on her way.

instead, jessica wears a dangerous smile. “yuri is downstairs,” she says.

“not up?”

“you’re supposed to visit her cooking show filming.”

“oh.” taeyeon feels her eyes widen. “ _fuck_.”

“definitely that,” jessica smirks.

three, two, one, and the panic set in again, taeyeon feels her body tense with all sorts of regret and irritation. she is fumbling for keys she doesn’t have and bag that is probably still in yuri’s car too, now that she actually thinks about it.

“here.”

jessica shoves a bag into her hands.

“there’s a bunch of skincare in there,” she explains. “durable for yuri’s driving. and for you to get yourself together. can’t help you with clothes because there’s no time, but there’s also a detox tea too.”

“who even are you?” taeyeon blinks, walking quickly to the door. or lets jessica guide her. the verdict will forever be out on that one.

but they do stop at the door and jessica, maybe even moments too late, takes her by the hands and straightens her jacket. pushes her hair back as if there hasn’t been years between the two of them and why, what is awkwardness even really. she should say thank you, taeyeon thinks vaguely. or say _i_ missed you. because that’s the truth and did the opportunity really pass.

she stares openly at jessica. maybe confused. maybe not. picks out things like how bright her eyes are. or the glossy on her mouth. would that taste like coffee too? taeyeon thinks: hopefully this is the hangover.

“i'm still me,” jessica says. not call me. not let’s try this again. just that. just _i'm still me_ like it’s been the answer all along.

taeyeon feels the butterflies in her stomach. they linger. for more than just a little while, enough for a goodbye to pass.

this is also the problem.

closure was never there to begin with.

**Author's Note:**

> \- I fully admit to be totally obsessed with Jessica's YouTube channel, so it's definitely fodder for what I've started to write again. It's fascinating how open she's starting to be.
> 
> \- I might sequel or companion-fic this one. I wanted to do a less linear version of a 'Taeyeon/Jessica start talking again and it backfires because they're messy' fic, so here we are.
> 
> \- As always I know lapslock isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I do appreciate y'all taking the time to read! I'm just happy to be back and writing/messing around again. Thanks for reading!


End file.
